"The Vampire Diaries" Suffers from Anemia

If Dark Shadows and Twilight had an anemic baby, it would be The Vampire Diaries. The new TV series, based on the Y/A books by L.J. Smith, debuted on The CW last week and the first episode followed a well-known and, by now, more than tiresome formula.

For nearly 20 years I have been reading books and watching films, and television shows about vampires. Finally, this otherwise useless vault of knowledge will come in handy.

The latest vampire craze has been painful for me for three reasons:

1. All of this has been done before.
2. I prefer vampires who live up to their name, not vampires trying to be human.
3. ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE!

The parenthetical information included below will help you Google your way to sighing over the monotony.

Set in the fictional town of Mystic Falls (ohhh...ahhh), Episode One kicks off with a couple being attacked in their car from above (see: The Lost Boys).

Next, we meet our gorgeous, but haunted human heroine (see: Bella from Twilight, Mina from Dracula, Sookie from True Blood, Beth from Moonlight and Caitlin from Kindred: The Embraced). Elena Gilbert (Nina Dobrev) has recently lost her parents in a car accident. However, a new school year has begun and our brave little toaster straps on her emotional armor and hides her pain with a smile.

Everyone loves Elena because she is just so beautiful! All the boys want her and all the girls want to be her (why does this sound so familiar?). Recently, Elena dumped super-jock Matt (Zach Roerig) because their relationship lacked "passion."

Rather than moving on, Matt humiliates himself in public by pathetically continuing to pursue her (see: Mike and the rest of the Bella harem in Twilight, Sam in True Blood).

To round out the female archetypes and make sure young women realize they can only fall into one of two camps - good girl or WHORE - there is Vicki Donovan (Kayla Ewell). Vicki is free-spirited and sexually extroverted (see: Lucy in Dracula, all those chicks that were offed in the first season of True Blood, and any young woman who has had sex in a horror movie ever).

Vic dislikes it when boys want to talk to her or establish anything resembling emotional intimacy (we women SO hate that crap). Elena's substance-abusing brother Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen) is just such a lad. He refuses to give up on Lucy - er, I mean Vicki - because, like all teenage boys, he wiles away his hours scrap-booking future wedding plans, longing for true love and an oh-so-serious relationship.

I am not sure what is causing the severe lack of testosterone in these young men. Perhaps the water in Mystic Falls is contaminated with enormous amounts of estrogen.

Because of her sextra-curricular activities, we know that Vic, like Lucy, is sure to be chomped early on. When she is discovered after the attack, we are treated to the obligatory "Oh-my-God-she-has-teeth-marks-in-her-neck-and-her-blood-has-been-drained-and-she-must-have-been-attacked-by-a-wild-animal" scene (see: every movie, book, short story, or TV show about vampires or werewolves ever).

Now on to the vamps. Stefan Salvatore (Paul Wesley) sees Elena and is instantly smitten (see: Edward Cullen, Barnabas Collins, Dracula, Mick St. John, Julian Luna, Bill Compton). He enrolls in high school (see: Edward Cullen) even though he is like 400-years-old because he must get to know her! We find out later that Elena looks exactly like Stefan's former true love/soul mate (see: Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula, Dark Shadows).

Stefan is "on the wagon" when it comes to killing humans (see: all of the Cullens, Louis de Pointe du Lac of The Vampire Chronicles, Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, most of the vamps in Kindred: The Embraced, the "assimilating" vamps in True Blood). He is also desperately in need of tweezers because Peter Gallagher's eyebrows have reincarnated on his face.

Stefan begins following Elena around, showing up at her house late at night without calling first and disappearing as if he has (GASP!) supernatural speed (see: Edward Cullen, Batman). He also gets all shaky, pale and generally wack at the sight of her blood (see: Dracula, Twilight, Kindred: The Embraced, Dark Shadows, a bunch of other stuff I'm forgetting). However, our heroine is not creeped out in the slightest by this strange, Ted Bundy-like behavior. On the contrary, she is delighted (see: Bella Swan, women who write love letters to inmates).

At this point, I was not entirely sure that I wasn't watching a new episode of 90210 written by Stephenie Meyer. I also wondered exactly when a hot vampire with normal supercilia was going to show up.

Enter Damon Salvatore (Ian Somerhalder), the best The CW could find. Damon is Stefan's high-spirited brother. He is pro-vamp, definitely not a "vegetarian" and enjoys hunting humans - a major no-no in his bro's opinion (see: Lestat de Lioncourt from The Vampire Chronicles, all of The Lost Boys, Spike and Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Victoria's gang in Twilight, the anti-assimilation vamps from True Blood).

It is immediately obvious that, despite having spent several centuries together, these boys do not get on so well (see: Louis and Lestat from The Vampire Chronicles, Angel and Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Eric and Bill from True Blood). It is also revealed that Damon is responsible for the attacks on Mystic Falls' residents.

At the end of the episode, Elena invites stalkin' Stef into her home, and we all know what that means (see: Dracula, The Lost Boys, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, True Blood).

The Vampire Diaries is, quite simply, Twilight for TV and all of the characters, the plot and the mythology have been recycled from better films, books and TV shows. Granted, Smith's books were published pre-Twilight, so it is really Stephenie Meyer (big surprise) who has done most of the stealing. However, the real question is: why waste the air time?

This is what happens when a sub-culture phenomenon catches the attention of the public at large and becomes a trend. Any originality and depth is left by the wayside to appeal to the larger, less discriminating mainstream audience.

Remember the hair bands of the 80s? This show is the equivalent of Winger.

I cannot blame The CW for jumping on the fang-bang bandwagon. After all, a lot of money stands to be made. What is frustrating is that they chose a Twilight-esque series of books to base the series on, when they could have chosen something with a premise we haven't seen before, or invented an entirely new mythology.

If someone could create (or at least remake with passionate fervor) a vampire protagonist that actually kills people, it would be most refreshing. If his primary motivation is to fall in love with Mary Sue, then he is really just a human with bad teeth.

Boooooooooring.

Episode Two airs Sept. 17 at 8 p.m. EST on The CW.

What did you think of the show? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

Twilight: Feel-Good Fiction or Anti-Feminist?

Since the publication of the first novel in 2005, "The Twilight Saga" by Stephenie Meyer has become a runaway success. The young adult series, comprised of four novels, tells the story of teenager Bella Swan, who falls for the hottest guy in school. There is just one tiny problem - he’s a vampire.

The comparison of Meyer’s success to that of Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling was, perhaps, inevitable. However, few expected a heavy weight like Mr. Darkness himself, Stephen King, to take aim and fire.

"Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people," King said in an interview with USA Weekend. "The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good."

Twilight fan, Bianca Dreyer, 21, indicated that Meyer’s writing style may have been deliberate considering her target audience is young adults.

"Meyer wrote in a fashion that all readers could understand," Dreyer said. "I don’t think she wanted to use complicated words and phrases to confuse the readers."

While the series has garnered legions of devoted fans, King is hardly its only detractor.

Take Shannon McKinney, 20, for instance, who said King’s assessment was right on the money

"Meyer is a really poor writer," McKinney agreed. "To me it seems like she’s writing out her own sexual fantasy, because Bella resembles her in several ways."

Stephen Wolcott, an English professor at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis, said that the first book in the series was not without its problems.

"I thought ‘Twilight’ seemed like a first novel, with all the good and bad that suggests," Wolcott said. "It was both full of passion and a little raggedly plotted and overly long."

Wolcott added that the appeal of the series is not surprising considering the attributes of its hero, the Heathcliff-esque Edward Cullen.

"He's very much the older, wiser man, embodying the self-denial of Victorian romantic heroes," Wolcott said.

Swoon-worthiness of the undead Romeo aside, the major problem some women have with the books is that, in their opinion, Bella is Gloria Steinem’s worst nightmare.

"Bella is the ultimate anti-feminist character," McKinney said. "She’s whiny, she’s submissive, she isn’t independent in any way except doing her laundry and cooking. What kind of message is that?"

Sheila Coe, a 24-year-old photo clean-up artist from Kansas City, Mo. expressed her anti-Bella point of view in a series of video essays featured at www.twilightsucks.com. Coe said Meyer’s treatment of the female characters in the series really bothered her.

"It seems like Meyer actually believes women have no worth without a man and the ability to have babies," Coe said. "Not one character in the whole series is happy to be single."

While the idealistic nature of the relationships and characters in the books spark controversy, fans of the series remain steadfast in their defense.

"It's fiction," said Cara Hancock, 19. "It is unrealistic to think of finding a man like Edward or Jacob, but girls dream of that anyway."

"New Moon," the second film in the franchise hits theaters Nov. 20, 2009.