The return of MST3K: RiffTrax spins the lame into gold

In the '90s, one of the most rewarding ways to kick off your Saturday was to catch Mystery Science Theater 3,000 on the Sci-Fi channel. The show was set in space on the Satellite of Love, where a man and two robots were being held prisoner by an evil mastermind. The villain's favorite form of torture was forcing the captives to watch really, really bad movies.

The entertaining part was the commentary provided by Mike Nelson and his lovable robots, Tom-Servo (Kevin Murphy) and Crow T. Robot (Bill Corbett). Alas, the series ended in 1999. However, there are numerous episodes available on DVD, as well as the aptly titled 1996 film, Mystery Science Theater 3000 The Movie — or you could just download some RiffTrax.

That's right, the boys are back, and this time they are not limited to low-budget schlock (although, who doesn't love that stuff?). At the RiffTrax Web site, the guys are still doing what they do best. Visitors can download RiffTrax and synchronize the file with their own DVD, or they can purchase the video file with the commentary included.

The best part of this new incarnation is that, while they still feature some delectably horrible offerings (Voodoo Man starring Bela Lugosi, for instance), and delightfully dated informative public shorts (my personal favorite is Carnivorous Plants) the guys are now riffing on Hollywood heavy weights.

As Corbett told Fearnet.com last year, they have merely added to their repertoire.

"We do the MP3 downloadable commentary for the newer releases," Corbett explained. "But we're also doing some older stuff and a lot of shorts like we used to do on Mystery Science Theater, which are some of my favorite things to do, probably because my attention span is about 15 minutes in general."

Included in the ever-growing list of more recent films are The Dark Knight, Spiderman, Twilight, three of the Harry Potter films and all of the Star Wars franchise. It could be argued that Darth Vader's first appearance in Star Wars would have been improved had the line from Rifftrax been used:

"Alright, what am I doing? Cuttin' a ribbon on a mall? Nobody tells me anything!"

Additionally, the scene in The Dark Knight, when Two-Face realizes the best way to blackmail Gordon is with his son, would only have been strengthened by the Riffers contribution of having the little boy triumphantly proclaim, "Daddy loves me best! Daddy loves me best!"

According to Corbett, though, riffing on the newer films has
proved to be a bit of a challenge.

"I find them a little harder, although I've kind of gotten into the swing of 'em now," Corbett told Fear.net. "There are a couple of things, for one they are longer, as a rule. Just maintaining the level of writing quality is a little more difficult. There are go-to areas for jokes in any movie but by hour three of any of these movies it's like, ‘Oh man, we've commented on this thing like a hundred times already.’"

It may seem to those who are unfamiliar with MST3K that these guys are just attempting to cynically tear down films which the public holds in high esteem. However, Corbett said that this is not the case at all.

"The fact that we can riff a movie doesn't mean it's bad," Corbett pointed out. "We often riff movies we really like. Like Jaws, we did that a few months ago, and we're all fans. There are some things in there that haven't aged as well, but still it's a great movie. But because it's pretty serious, we found a way in I think."

So, what titles can we expect to see on the Web site in the future?

"Hopefully we're going to work on an occasional 80's title [since] we all have a fondness for that era when we grew up" Corbett revealed.

Oh, please let one of them be Gremlins!

Do you have a favorite MST3K or Rifftrax quote? Post it up in the comments!

The Greatest Movies Never Made

For many people film has always been a welcome diversion from the often harsh reality of daily life. However, of late, Hollywood seems bent on rehashing, remaking, or endlessly sequel-ling (exactly how many “visions” of “Halloween” do we need, Mr. Zombie?) films based on ideas that were not even that good in the first place.

It has become painfully obvious that no one can come up with an original idea. My solution? Steal a great one from someone else, of course! Below are four that I would like to see.

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

It is annoying that such a prolific novel has never found its way to the big screen, especially when countless rip-offs of the protagonist have. It has been reported that Salinger is not keen on the idea and, given the hatchet-job Hollywood has done on a number of wonderful novels over the years, I can’t say that I blame him.

The book recounts the story of a discontented youth, but it is much more than a run-of-the-mill rebel’s tale. It reveals society’s complexities, flaws and injustices. Hollywood loves this story and has made many films based on the same premise, so why not the grand-daddy of them all?

The Sandman by Neil Gaiman.

This comic book series could, in the right hands, become such a major franchise it might even rival the wizards and vampires of Tweendom. Dark, moody and sprinkled with love, lust, and death, this series is a Tim Burton wet dream.

The story centers on a group of mysterious immortals called The Endless who each rule over an aspect of the human condition. Chief Immortal, Morpheus (aka Dream), is assisted by his six brothers and sisters: Destiny, Death, Desire, Despair, Delirium and Destruction.

The last decade has proven there is a huge market for fantasy films and this haunting, remarkable series should be allowed to take its rightful place among them.

Wonder Woman

Could we get a female super-hero movie, please? We have seen Iron Man, Batman (two different franchises for this one now, and counting), Spiderman, Superman (again TWO versions), The Green Lantern, etc. and the Amazon chick who can stop bullets with her jewelry continues to be ignored. As a woman, I am angered by this slight, and as a super-hero fan, I am, well, PISSED!

Sure, the series featuring the lovely Lynda Carter was cheesy, but I still watched it every week. However, if this is the reason we still do not have a film version, could we talk about the super-cheesy on a mountain of cheese the old Batman series was? Who doesn’t want to see a hot lady with super-powers kicking some villainous ass? It is a theme that crosses all lines of ethnicity and gender. That’s right —Wonder Woman could unite us all! Well, probably not, but I have an objective here, people.

Star Wars: Episodes VII, VIII and IX.

Had they been done well, I might have been more receptive to the prequels of this beloved franchise. As it turned out, I would have preferred that Vader’s origins remain a mystery. Watching golden-boy Hayden Christiansen attempt to “become evil” was more painful than the time I sprained my ankle on Gran’s stairs — and don’t even get me started on Jar Jar Binks.

I wanted to see what happened to Luke, Han, Leia, Chewbacca and those lovable droids. After the deaths of Vader and the Emperor, did another corrupt leader gain power? Did Leia ever learn the ways of the Force? What happened to Han and Leia’s kids? Did Leia’s daughter make fun of her mom’s sound-reducing-headphones hairstyle in the high school yearbook? Any combination of answers to these questions could have been the basis for a decent sequel. Alright, maybe not the hairstyle bit, but you get the idea.

There are countless others I could list, but I do not want to run the risk of overwhelming in the hopes that one of these will actually be produced. There, Hollywood! That pesky creative part of actually coming up with an idea is already done for you, pick any one you like. Just try not to ruin it, mkay?