Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Greatest Movies Never Made

Sunday, August 9, 2009
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For many people film has always been a welcome diversion from the often harsh reality of daily life. However, of late, Hollywood seems bent on rehashing, remaking, or endlessly sequel-ling (exactly how many “visions” of “Halloween” do we need, Mr. Zombie?) films based on ideas that were not even that good in the first place.

It has become painfully obvious that no one can come up with an original idea. My solution? Steal a great one from someone else, of course! Below are four that I would like to see.

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

It is annoying that such a prolific novel has never found its way to the big screen, especially when countless rip-offs of the protagonist have. It has been reported that Salinger is not keen on the idea and, given the hatchet-job Hollywood has done on a number of wonderful novels over the years, I can’t say that I blame him.

The book recounts the story of a discontented youth, but it is much more than a run-of-the-mill rebel’s tale. It reveals society’s complexities, flaws and injustices. Hollywood loves this story and has made many films based on the same premise, so why not the grand-daddy of them all?

The Sandman by Neil Gaiman.

This comic book series could, in the right hands, become such a major franchise it might even rival the wizards and vampires of Tweendom. Dark, moody and sprinkled with love, lust, and death, this series is a Tim Burton wet dream.

The story centers on a group of mysterious immortals called The Endless who each rule over an aspect of the human condition. Chief Immortal, Morpheus (aka Dream), is assisted by his six brothers and sisters: Destiny, Death, Desire, Despair, Delirium and Destruction.

The last decade has proven there is a huge market for fantasy films and this haunting, remarkable series should be allowed to take its rightful place among them.

Wonder Woman

Could we get a female super-hero movie, please? We have seen Iron Man, Batman (two different franchises for this one now, and counting), Spiderman, Superman (again TWO versions), The Green Lantern, etc. and the Amazon chick who can stop bullets with her jewelry continues to be ignored. As a woman, I am angered by this slight, and as a super-hero fan, I am, well, PISSED!

Sure, the series featuring the lovely Lynda Carter was cheesy, but I still watched it every week. However, if this is the reason we still do not have a film version, could we talk about the super-cheesy on a mountain of cheese the old Batman series was? Who doesn’t want to see a hot lady with super-powers kicking some villainous ass? It is a theme that crosses all lines of ethnicity and gender. That’s right —Wonder Woman could unite us all! Well, probably not, but I have an objective here, people.

Star Wars: Episodes VII, VIII and IX.

Had they been done well, I might have been more receptive to the prequels of this beloved franchise. As it turned out, I would have preferred that Vader’s origins remain a mystery. Watching golden-boy Hayden Christiansen attempt to “become evil” was more painful than the time I sprained my ankle on Gran’s stairs — and don’t even get me started on Jar Jar Binks.

I wanted to see what happened to Luke, Han, Leia, Chewbacca and those lovable droids. After the deaths of Vader and the Emperor, did another corrupt leader gain power? Did Leia ever learn the ways of the Force? What happened to Han and Leia’s kids? Did Leia’s daughter make fun of her mom’s sound-reducing-headphones hairstyle in the high school yearbook? Any combination of answers to these questions could have been the basis for a decent sequel. Alright, maybe not the hairstyle bit, but you get the idea.

There are countless others I could list, but I do not want to run the risk of overwhelming in the hopes that one of these will actually be produced. There, Hollywood! That pesky creative part of actually coming up with an idea is already done for you, pick any one you like. Just try not to ruin it, mkay?


Emily Dawn said...

Have you seen the latest animated Wonder Woman? I have it in my queue. It got a decent rating on RT.

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